Husband is scheduled to return to work on Monday the 15th. He has two remaining weeks of family parental leave that he could use, though we have a whole year to do that. He wanted to save them for “in case” — in case I get the flu, or something major comes up that requires his daily 24/7 presence.
And I’m resisting this, clinging to him. My back is still injured — some days are better than others, some movements are riskier than others. I can’t imagine being on my own with this child all day, five days a week. I’m up alone with her until noon-ish as it is, and the relief I feel when he wakes up (he’s not a slacker, he doesn’t get to sleep until 5 a.m.) is huge. When he returns to work, I’ll still be up with her at 5:30 a.m. He’ll go to work around 9:30 a.m., but he won’t get home until 7:00 p.m.. Holy hell! How am I going to entertain her/get a shower/coordinate an evening meal/get out of the house/do laundry without someone else around at least part of the day (during daylight hours)? She’s more alert now, awake for longer periods, but her attention span is short, and this means changing up our play every few minutes: a crinkly toy, followed by the baby gym, then a book read, then a rattle, then some holding and rocking. She lets me know when she wants a change or has had enough by crying. Keeping a baby occupied is more challenging than one would think.
In a fundamental way my life hasn’t changed. I can still sit on the sofa with the laptop while Pixie sleeps in the swing (a preferred place for napping). I tended to be a homebody before she was born, and I wasn’t much of a housekeeper or chef. Yet now I have this idea that I should be doing tasks I formerly let slide. Moreover, it’s the idea that I can no longer go anywhere (in the house or outside) without considering someone else’s safety and well-being that daunts me.
We need to discuss and decide before Friday. I know he needs to return to work, and that he wants to. Last night I went out with her alone and drove to the local yarn store to visit. (I was nervous about going out by myself and while successful, I felt a little stressed when I returned home.) You know, I had this idea that because I’m in my mid-40s, I’d be a confident, mellow mother, all centered and Mother Earth, yadayadayada — y’know, a grown-up. That has proved to be completely false.
Oh, Kathryn. I do hear you.
I remember the exhaustion and the general feeling of “what am I getting myself into?”
My survival depended on making connections with other moms who were caring for little ones. Are there any such resources in your area? Spending time together during the day made it go by faster and kept my spirits up, and as the children got older, they became friends and trading off became a possibility. It all starts with looking for those connections, which, as you wrote about earlier, we don’t have with our families in this more transient society of ours.
I know you’re probably mostly venting, but you might add to your discussion some kind of bridging arrangements, such as Husband’s bringing home take-out food so that “coordinate an evening meal” at least is removed from the insurmountable To Do pile. Beyond that, I sympathize and wish you well in adjusting!
You can do it! You may feel stressed and awkward and like a fish out of water at first, but you will establish your routine without Daddy. Then you will have successfully jumped the next hurdle. Use your readers to help get through it – and keep your sister-in-law and other compassionate friends on speed dial!
Shower tip: do you have a bouncy seat? Or maybe the Moses basket would work. Put her in there and put her right beside the shower. You will master the five minutes or less shower. You feel good knowing you can hear her if she needs you and the sound of the shower can soothe her (vibrating bouncy = also good). You also need 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner š
The other thing that allowed me to throw in a load of laundry or shower or something was the Fisher Price Ocean Wonder Aquarium. It can run for up to 15 minutes. The new one is adorable.
Yes, you can do it because you must and although you can’t imagine it, you will adapt. You get in the shower and you put the baby someplace safe where they cry. You take care of something and you let the baby cry. I can remember feeling stressed for a very very long time. I just didn’t go anywhere except for walks, and then I walked maniacally several times a day. Good for your head and for hers too. And then at 2 months, I was still so frightened of myself and my baby that we asked a lovely woman to come for several hours a week and that saved my life. Although it wasn’t in the plan it was absolutely necessary because I couldn’t ask for help from anyone else. How did we find her? We didn’t. A friend recommended her to us. When/if you are inclined, just drop a word here or there with people you trust. Ask for what you need and see if it doesn’t come knocking on the door. Recognize, compassionately, that you are in training for this. It can take time for us to become natural mothers. but Claire will grant you all the time in the world.
I know it feels daunting facing the baby by yourself for the whole day. I was terrified when Noel was going back to work but you’ll be okay. You’ll just deal with things one at a time and be really relieved when the hubby comes home. And it’ll get easier and easier each day.
I remember when my husband went back to work after my son was born. I was absolutely terrified! I was even afraid to carry him down the stairs! Somehow I just did it. I think developing a network with other new moms is also important. You could check with the local hospital for baby massage classes or other new mom support groups. Remember to be kind to yourself and rest when baby rests and not to worry about the things you think should be done around the house. Good luck and peace to you and your family.
I understand your worries.
I’m currently worrying the same issue from the other side – how soon should I get back to school and finish this damned PhD, and how long should I stay at home and help my wife and (now two-week-old) daughter settle in to a workable schedule?
Best of luck.
Kathryn, back in the “olden days” there was no leave for a husband and I remember being so scared the first full day I had Joe all by myself. But like the others have posted here, you will initially feel overwhelmed, but you will adapt. We humans are quite amazing about what we can adapt to–and cellularly you are programmed to be a mom and adapt.
I’m sure it is harder to adapt in your 40s, however; when you are really young with babies, you haven’t really had much freedom so there’s not as much to give up. Take up your friends offers to help. It makes them feel good to be of service.