Well, the lab results are in, confirming what my body communicated to me all weekend. No more pregnancy.
At the same time, the company for which I worked last spring has an opportunity for a position that I am considering. I’m at the fork in the road, in the sense that if I took this job, it would demand my time and energy in a way that nothing else has. In other words, the job would be my first priority. I have no doubt I am capable. The question is, do I want it?
Do I want to give up my memoir writing group, my reguarly scheduled volunteer work, my time for art, my time for reading and blogging and seeing friends (not to mention my husband)? Do I want to live for the job, to be available for 7 a.m. meetings with principals or 7 p.m. meetings with parents, as well as during the school day and into the evenings and weekends? Do I want the responsibility for supervising 20 staff and 200 students over five school locations? Do I want the intensity of working for a startup company that has big plans and less than perfect implementation? Is it possible to do this and try again to get pregnant? Given my two pregnancy losses, if we are serious about trying to have a family, is this job a good idea? The stress level will be be higher than normal. Then again, should I shelve an opportunity because I want to get pregnant, when I may never succeed in having a child?
Or… do I want to find a part-time job or two, or look for less demanding but equally fulfilling full-time work, perhaps at a non-profit? Do I want to revisit the private coaching practice idea? You may notice that the right sidebar has changed a bit. I eliminated the links to psychology and mental health and replaced them with links that align with the theme of blog. My mission: express, discover, renew, create. When I think about the coaching practice, a couple areas of interest pop up. I have always enjoyed my volunteer work as a conversation partner with international students. This area has a significant international population. I think about cross-cultural coaching; that is, coaching people new to this culture to help them adjust and navigate the social customs, as well as practice speaking English. Would people pay for such a service? I would love to do that.
And I’m intrigued by creativity coaching as well. What does that mean, exactly? I’d have to figure out what I mean, what I offer, in that realm. The idea of helping people access their creativity as writers or visual artists appeals. So does the idea of applying creativity to life, to pursuing goals. I’m just brainstorming a bit here.
While I’ve been lonely at times, and a bit isolated and bored these past months, I have also reveled in the opportunities my unemployment provided. Opportunities to create. Time to create. What I need to do is apply a little more energy and thought to my life, to treat it as my own start-up. You see, one fact that attracts me to the job I’ve been offered is this: it’s there. It’s low-hanging fruit, easy to get. But is it ripe? Will it taste good?
The floor is open, if you care to put in your two cents.
[cross-posted at Knit Together]
I’m so sorry, Kathryn.
I may speak a little passionately from a very personal perspective, so forgive me if I do not seem completely objective. I spent so many years in high pressure jobs that gave me… money. That’s about all I can say. They did feed my ego on certain levels. I could point to tangible evidence of my value. But that validation came at very high cost, personally and physically. And, what was validated was not really the parts of me that I most value.
It is very hard to walk away from affirmation – especially when you have suffered such deep disappointment. You stated the potential good side – it’s THERE, it offers considerable compensation, it will get you into a strict routine that will require you to be at peak performance at all times, maybe stave off depression.
But the costs – you know them. You have also stated them. They are great.
The rewards of a less stressful, more fulfilling life may not include a lot of money, but for my part, I spent a lot of money on psychologists, high-priced wardrobe, food cooked by someone else, my home cared for by someone else – actually paying for someone else to live a lot of my life.
I left it all. Don’t have much money, but my health is better than it was by leaps and bounds, and my relationships have been destressed. My husband and daughter like me better – my friends, well they are kind. I wouldn’t go back, although offers tempt me with their affirmation. They are just affirming someone who doesn’t live in this skin anymore. My thick skin has softened a lot.
Sorry for the length. Guess I have a lot to say on the topic. I am supportive of you, whatever you decide.
In mid-2002, Hawk was offered a nice-paying job in Colorado (we lived in Pa.). We decided to move to Colorado, since we had no kids and had struggled w/ infertility for years (I wrote to you about all that not long ago). Long story short: we conceived and had a successful pregnancy, which I finished in Colorado. Turned out the job versus the cost of living actually brought in less money, although Hawk’s hours were better.
We ended up moving back to Pa., live in an older house, still drive our same old vehicles and concentrate on family. We’re a lot happier than we were in Colorado.
I’m not saying one choice is better than the other for you but I wanted to share our experience w/ a similar quandry. Your choice is difficult. I don’t envy you but my thoughts are with you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kathryn. Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts.
I want to be sensitive about what I am going to say, but am afraid that’s it’s going to come out clunky or patronizing, If it does – please accept my apologies in advance. Regarding the high pressure job you are contemplating – I’m noticing that you have so many questions about this job – about how it will affect your life and family. Perhaps I read your post wrong, but it seemed to me that there wasn’t a lot of enthusiasm behind the questions. I guess maybe if it was me trying to make that decision – I’d listen to myself asking all of those questions and notice that I wasn’t jumping at the opportunity and saying. Yes! This is for me!”.
I find comfort reading your posts each day – knowing that there is someone out there who I admire greatly and who is also facing daily struggles (not that I want you to struggle! – it just helps to know that I’m not alone.) I wish us both the best of luck as we make our choices. I look forward to seeing your story as it continues to unfold.
Again – I send healing energy your way.
Take care.
(((hugs))) i’m very sorry to hear about your loss kathryn. i get the sense that you know deep down what to do. my advice: follow your heart. xoxoxoxo
Kathryn, I want to grieve with you…
As for your dilemma, we downsized so I can be at home and I am loving it. You can always start your own little company and see how it goes, it will keep you alert and giddy without overstretching you. And if it doesn’t work, so what? You start something else.
Best wishes on whatever you decide, may I suggest you take a relaxing holiday before embarking on a new project?
Dear Kathryn,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Clearly, you are giving birth to many things even though the pregnancies have not been sustained. Since we don’t know each other, I hesitated to write last night, but this morning I want to say I hope you will not rush into taking the job. So often we flee what is real and messy for the sake of what is distracting and involving in a different way. If you are in the fortunate position of having a choice, consider what feels most authentic and what will give you the most possibilities for continuing to grow more fully and deeply into who you are.
Blessings to you.
Kathryn, my heart goes out to you. Everyone has given you advice and thoughts much more eloquently than I ever can. I agree that to follow your heart will bring you clarity. I know from my own life choices that whenever I have talked myself into a job because of the money or it “looked like the smart thing to do” it almost always was a tragic mistake…Take time with this decision…you already know what is in your heart, it is written there in your blog entry. jackie
This is good feedback! There’s one factor I didn’t mention earlier. I had been considered for this position in March but didn’t get it. I was, however, told I was the first choice for this position when it reopened next. When it did reopen in August, they did not follow through with their original intent. They changed the job qualifications slightly and advertised, hiring someone outside the company. This person has not done the job well, and by mutual agreement is leaving. I’d given my notice to quit the company on Sunday, and was asked the following day if I wanted the job.
{{{hugs}}} to you, Kathryn, and . . . I think you know your direction.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs.
Glad to read in your later post that you got really excited about the AmeriCorps idea. I loved what you wrote her about looking at your life as your own start-up. Brilliant. 🙂