I’m struggling.
Lately I’ve detected that I am supremely bored with blogging. I don’t read many blogs, I lack inspiration to comment, and I don’t feel much like posting or replying to comments. I am beholden to my habit, my readers, and even the layout of the blog. I pay attention to nit-picky, irrelevant details such as adding the books I’m reading and watching my stats. It doesn’t provide pleasure or release. It is a sham activity that yields the illusion of busy-ness and involvement while I remain disengaged.
I am on break for the summer, but the company I work for may not call me back to work until October. It’s a startup that provides supplemental education services, and my employment depends on the company securing contracts. This cannot occur until school starts and parents make their selection as to what company they want providing the service. Furthermore, there is no guarantee that will be a job. So this leaves me wondering what I want to do with my time.
The question of what job to seek is complicated by the fact that what I truly love to do is unavailable to me. Because I will not undergo a second, duplicate master’s program, 3000-hour internship, and state testing, I am not permitted to seek clinical jobs in mental health or general social services; nor can I have a private practice as a therapist. I’m a woman of diverse interests, skills, and talents, and I know I am quite capable of many types of work. I simply don’t know what I want. This knowledge is muddled by the ambivalence my husband and I feel about living here. We’ve begun discussing in earnest whether to return to Austin. Nothing is decided, but it’s under serious consideration. So what employment do I seek when I’m not invested in staying? However, leaving isn’t an option yet, and I need to do something.
I’m lonely. Oh, I’ve been volunteering — at the city library and Hands On Bay Area. I exercise at Curves and have become acquainted with women there. I chat with grocery store clerks and greet people I meet on my walks. But my closest friends are in Austin, and while we talk on the phone and email, it is disembodied community. I spend enough time with the ethereal community of cyberspace; I need flesh-and-blood friends. Seeds of friendship I planted when I arrived here didn’t take root, in part because my life was full of disruption for many months with family issues, and in part because the relationships simply didn’t click into place. I recently visited a UU church and enjoyed the experience, but then I miscarried. I have difficulty pulling energy together to foray into more of the uknown and lay groundwork for community. I would be doing this alone, since my husband and I have differing positions on spirituality and church.
In the 12 months I’ve lived here, the only original art I’ve created is a tiny collage that I used on my name badge when I worked at a bookstore. And writing? I’m wasting it. I’m piddling away my hours on blogging, which provides an outlet but also bleeds away my time, attention, and energy which could be applied to a more substantial writing endeavor. I’m reading prodigiously, but not with attentiveness.
I also feel the shadow of residual grief from both my father-in-law’s death four months ago and my miscarriage three weeks past. Oh, and I’m angry. At myself, for not filling my needs. At life, for continuously changing. About all the difficult transitions in my life in the past 18 months. About the fact that I am in control of very, very little.
I’m struggling with dislocation and disenchantment. I need purposeful employment. I need a muse. I need self-discipline. I am one bundle of confused, aimless need.
Ugh.
Wow… I can relate to your disenchantment on so many levels right now. And the grief…it’s almost paralyzing sometimes. I wish I had some magical words that would impart some spark of motivating wisdom. Alas, for some time now as I’ve read your site, I have found that you are ever so much wiser than myself. The grace you’ve had over these past 3 weeks is inspiring! Perhaps time is the only cure…?
I’ve been reading your blog only a few months, but I like it and hope you will continue. For me, not necessarily because it’s good for you. I agree blogging very often is waste of good time that might be spent elsewhere. So, in my case, I’ve gone on hiatus from time-to-time. Some readers complained, some dropped off, but in the end I reckoned blogging was for me, not for them. I feel no obligation to write. But when I do, it’s for me, about stuff I want/need to say, or take notice of.
As far as your work is concerned, if you haven’t already done an introspective examination of what work you would do if you didn’t have to work (for a living), that would be a good place to begin.
Leaving all other considerations aside, relationships, living situation, financial status, etc. how would you spend your time if you and you alone could decide. Painting? Ploughing? Parenting?
When I did this, I decided I would read, watch tv, movies, listen to radio, go to museums, travel.
I became a journalist/filmmaker/TV producer. Loved it–most days. It’s what I would have done if I didn’t have to do something else for a living.
Now, IF, you were to decide to redesign your blog, I’d think about starting by find a type-size a tad bit larger.
Gluck
Although I don’t often comment, I come here several times a week and enjoy your blog. This may sound odd, but I got extra enjoyment out of this post. I guess because it’s so personal, and I got a feel for who you are.
I can relate, as I’m sure many can, to a lot of your rumblings. Discontent can be a lovely thing when it motivates movement. Not fun, but ultimately good. If you do continue to blog, I would love to see more of these glimpses into your life and thoughts. It helps me to recognize similar rumblings in myself as I embrace change along with you.
Kathryn, I’m here sand understand. Especially your first paragraph.
(((HUGS)))
Have you seen this?
http://thenonist.com/index.php/weblog/permalink/a_nonist_public_service_pamphlet/
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage.
Thank you for putting these thoughts out there. There is much that resonated with me, and helped me to sum up some of my own feelings of late.
Your mind and emotions are reacting to your miscarriage, shifting from optimism and expectation to pessimism and depression. Take heart and note that your spiritual perspectives of the past are always still present and within you. They have reached out to vast numbers of people who retain your teachings and perspectives forever within their own minds, and are better persons, better spirits, for it. Your communication with the world takes many forms, both face-to-face and through the written word moving along the Internet into the minds of all who visit with you there. Your basic underlying love of humanity and the people who make up humanity, the people whom you touch, is a great spiritual treasure of the human race itself, which needs to spread and to flourish. Each communication event of your day is a benefit to those with whom you communicate, because you have devoted yourself to making it so.
There is no place for anger, on Earth or in Heaven, directed at others or at oneself. Erase it.
Your contribution to humanity has, at times, ranked with that of those famous persons you read, and often quote, such as the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa. You have been, you are, and you will continue to be, appreciated! In ways you may not know.
Take heart.
Bill
(((Hugs and Love))) to you.
books that came to mind…the one you gave me:
Spirit Taking Form? I think by Nancy Azara, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron, Marry Your Muse, Almost anything by Sark.
xoxoxo
I hear you, Kathryn, and know what it’s like to be in a state of blah and neverending creative limbo. It feels awful because you live in an amazing place, you are so talented and have much to offer the world, and you would be a wonderful friend to have. Yet, like you wrote, it’s not clicking.
I found myself feeling blah and uninspired after my family and I uprooted and moved away from our home of 10 years. At my lowest points, I felt a push from behind to keep going and to write about what I was experiencing. I journaled, doodled, and included some of my experiences in a book that was published last year. It was difficult to get through and write about, yet I knew that it would benefit others. And it has, from the feedback I’ve received.
I’m venturing to guess that the universe might be nudging you to expand your influence beyond your blog. You have a wonderful “voice” and your writing and experiences with your family, your move, and your losses clearly resonate with others. It might be the right time to consider publishing a book that also includes your collages and photography.
Whatever you decide to do, know that I continue to appreciate your candor, insights, and perspectives on life.
I stumbled across your blog when doing a search on google for a good quote in the mind-body connection realm. Your writing and your openness is inspiring to me. I also think it’s interesting that you are from the Syracuse area. I just got back from my 2nd trip out there this year. I live in downtown Los Angeles and I’ve recently become infatuated with a guy who lives in Auburn. So, your family is out there? Any plans to visit anytime soon? I’m going back again for labor day week.
I’m also interested in your counseling services…are they available over the phone? Do you take insurance (Blue Cross)? 🙂
Cheers,
TeeTee
Hi TeeTee, in answer to your questions… I hope to visit perhaps next month. That’s in the planning stages. I’ve got family members in Syracuse and Seneca Falls. Small world! As for counseling, I cannot provide that in California, since I’m not licensed here. I am thinking about starting a life coaching practice here — something I initiated last fall but family events interrupted — and if I do, I would provide phone sessions. Insurance doesn’t cover coaching, but we can see what we could work out. If you are interested in communicating more about that, feel free to email me!