In my own work and with others, the issue of being has arisen, specifically the sense of uncertainty about one’s right to be here, to exist. What, you say? How can a person question her right to exist? It’s not like any of us had a choice.

Here’s my take on it. Simply not having chosen to be here doesn’t mean one is wanted by those who are responsible for one’s care. An infant is ultimately dependent on its caregivers for survival and nurturance. Children detect rejection or acceptance even before they develop language and thought. If there is, in the child’s life, a caregiver who is resentful, resistant, neglectful, or outright hostile to the child’s presence, this is conveyed and the child senses it.

The theory that psychologists have explored and tested is called Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory. The theory is divided into sub-theories. The first focuses on personality, and these questions are posed:

• First, what happens to children who perceive themselves to be loved or unloved by their parents? More specifically, is it true, as the subtheory postulates, that children everywhere — in different sociocultural systems, racial or ethnic groups, genders, and the like — respond in essentially the same way when they perceive themselves to be accepted or rejected by their parents?
• Second, what are adults like who had been accepted or rejected in childhood? That is, to what degree do the effects of childhood rejection extend into adulthood and old age?

The second sub-theory pertains to coping:

• What gives some children and adults the resilience to emotionally cope more effectively than most with the experiences of childhood rejection?

The third sub-theory considers the sociocultural systems of parent-child relationships by asking:

• Why are some parents warm and loving and others cold, aggressive, neglecting/rejecting? Is it true, for example — as PARTheory predicts — that specific psychological, familial, community, and societal factors tend to be reliably associated the world over with specific variations in parental acceptance-rejection?
• In what way is the total fabric of society as well as the behavior and beliefs of individuals within society affected by the fact that most parents in that society tend to either accept or reject their children? For example, is it true, as PARTheory predicts, that a people’s religious beliefs, artistic preferences, and other expressive beliefs and behaviors tend to be universally associated with their childhood experiences of parental love and love withdrawal?

The interesting aspect of this theory is that it has been examined cross-culturally and longitudinally (over time) for patterns.

A major factor shaping this theory is called “the warmth dimension of parenting.” This dimension explains the quality of the “affectional bond” between parents and children. Using the verbal and physical behaviors as indicators of feeling, warmth can defined on a continuum. On one end are behaviors marked by comfort, concern, acceptance, affection, nurturance, support, and love. These include hugs, kisses, and praise, as well as lovingly responding to the child’s basic needs.

The other end is identified as rejection, displayed either by absence or withdrawal of warm feelings and behaviors, and/or by actively hostile and hurtful behaviors toward the child. These include physically hostile behaviors such as hitting, pinching, throwing things, pushing, or verbal hostility, such as sarcasm, shouting, mocking, saying humiliating things to or about the child.

So, if a child experiences the latter, chances are rejection will be experienced, and this is internalized on a deep, often unconscious, pre-verbal level. It’s important to note that even within loving families, children sometimes experience hurtful words and behavior. What the theory is looking at is an overall pattern. It’s also worth noting that acceptance/rejection can be studied from the subjective perspective (what the child reports feeling) and a behavioral perspective (what behaviors are observed by another person). Further, what the child perceives and what is may differ. In some situations of abuse, the child may not experience this as anything but normal, and might therefore not feel rejected. (Perhaps this is what contributes to resiliency, and some children’s ability to overcome and thrive.)

Any rejection acted out by a parent is about that parent’s fears and not about the one rejected. But a child can’t know that; she has not developed the separate identity which permits this observation. Thus, she grows up feeling different, outside, misunderstood, and really unsure of her own identity, boundaries, and wants. These are deeply rooted beliefs, the core of personality, so changing this takes time. It is via the primary caregiver that a child learns of her worth in the world. A child with rejecting parents may still learn about her own agency if there are other adults who provide acceptance and mentoring, another way of being for the child to model.