I’ve been taking more walks around the neighborhood in the past few months, and I’ve noticed something: children and teens will pass within two feet of an adult and not acknowledge the adult. They will only say hello if spoken to, and it’s an offhanded greeting at that. So I’ve been asking myself: was I like that? Childhood was many years ago. I’d like to think that when I saw an elder, I smiled and greeted them. Perhaps I did, but I might equally have done nothing.

Perhaps it’s no wonder, though. We teach our children to be wary of strangers. Additionally, adolescence is a particuarly confusing and sometimes tortured social phase. And perspectives change. I’m becoming “one of them” in my middle age — tempted to look at the young ‘uns and find them sorely lacking.

A little surfing brought up an interesting essay on universal etiquette, and the author introduces the topic:

When I was an adolescent, manners seemed to be a form of phoniness, a way of acting that was meant to impress others with what a nice, sophisticated and aristocratic person you were. I resisted manners as being mere social rituals. I agreed with the saying ‘Clothes do not make the man,’ and I felt that manners, like fancy clothes, were a form of false advertising. I tended to distrust people who were overly well-mannered or well-dressed. It wasn’t until relatively recently that I realized that manners are not for the benefit of the person who has them but for other people! In fact, the intent of manners is to help others to relax and feel more comfortable, to help them feel respected as independent beings. In short, far from being a mere set of social rituals intended to enforce status, manners are, in fact, a set of rules intended to create a safe space and thereby to promote communion.

The author provides a tidy “baker’s dozen” of what he considers the rules of universal etiquette:

1. Do not interpret for people.
2. Do not evaluate for people.
3. Do not reveal or use anything people say to you in confidence for any purpose except for those agreed upon by them.
4. Take full responsibility for situations involving other people.
5. Make sure you comprehend what people are saying to you.
6. Be interested in other people; don’t try to be interesting to them.
7. Always include an intention to help in your dealings with others.
8. In your dealings with people, take into account their physical and mental condition.
9. Make sure that interactions you have with people occur in a suitable space and at a suitable time.
10. Act in a predictable way so as not to surprise people.
11. Do not try to force people to do things against their will or over protest.
12. Stay focused on the activity in which you are engaged.
13. Let people complete cycles they start with you.

Another link that is more specifically focused on teens is Great Parenting Tips for Teens : Adolescent Development. It provides an overview of the family’s developmental tasks in raising a teen, the areas that incur the most conflict between parents and teens, a list of what adolescents want, and developmental tasks for adolescents.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll start smiling and saying hello when I see children on my daily treks. How uncool is that? That ought to make ’em think. After all, one day they will be one of us!