Love
Love means to look at yourself
The way one looks at distant things
For you are only one thing among many.
And whoever sees that way heals his heart,
Without knowing it, from various ills —
A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.Then he wants to use himself and things
So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.
It doesn’t matter whether he knows what he serves:
Who serves best doesn’t always understand.-Czeslaw Milosz
The instruction, “Love yourself” sounds simple, but can be a challenge to learn. At some point I came to the realization that self-hatred is a form of vanity. To denigrate oneself and ruminate on one’s faults is, in a twisted way, promoting self-centeredness, although we often mask this by calling it modesty.
Obsession with oneself is a form of elevating one’s importance out of proportion to the rest of existence, and it pressures us to strive toward the notion of perfection. It is a rule-bound, rigid, arid and often desolate corner of existence. Sometimes we don’t even see what we do to ourselves; we project it outward, onto others. When you feel critical and angry at “people,” recognize that this harshness has its root in an unloving attitude toward yourself.
How refreshing, then, to be relieved of the responsibility of perfection, to know one has company in one’s frailities. This is a good time to be quiet and ask the question, “What’s going on?” in a gentle way, the way a mother would ask as she comforts her child. Harshess often indicates feeling disconnected and unworthy on some level. Look, really look, around you. Then you can remember that you too have a place in existence; the world is your kin. You are not separate; belonging is the natural state, and perfection is found in that. To be part of the whole while being fully oneself — this is what the “glow of ripeness” brings to mind.
Detachment and distance lead us to compassion — for ourselves and others. These terms are often confused with apathy, coldness, rejection. That couldn’t be more untrue. When we let go of what we think we “should” be or do and become curious about what is, exploring without judgment… well, that leads to a new level of aliveness. When we give ourselves that gift, we can extend it to others as well.
In a class I took with Pema Chodron this summer, she shared a fascinating tidbit about how we in the West blame ourselves when our negative qualities get the better of us. According to Buddhist teachers who have taught all over the world, in the East this is not so. When caught in the grip of fear or anger, students of the Eastern tradition can see these qualities as separate from their core identity. But in the West, we add to our own burden by blaming ourselves for not being perfect beings and layering self-loathing on top of the original troublesome emotions. Pema said, “It’s like trying to put out a fire with kerosene.” The antidote she prescribes is to begin by practicing loving-kindness first toward yourself before trying to extend it to others.
“When you feel critical and angry at “people,” recognize that this harshness has its root in an unloving attitude toward yourself.”
That was the only bit of that entry that I disagree with, mostly because it doesn’t make sense to me. Humans are fundamentally flawed and we shouldn’t be perfect. Even with the best laid plans for perfection (like vacation, date, job, etc) — something will always go wrong, it is the nature of life, it is about balance. But if I get cut off in traffic, how can my irritation at the person who cut me off be a reflection of how I feel about myself? When I was going on multiple interviews last year and not getting hired anywhere, not hearing back from my job shop pimps, how does my annoyance at their inability to follow through reflect on me? If I’m living my life and doing my best and I’m still getting screwed by those I come into contact with, how is it my fault? I would be curious to know what you think about this.
Raspil — It’s not your fault. My intention is not to frame is as anybody’s fault. I grappled a bit with finding words for the key meaning I wanted to convey, so I’ll try to frame it personally.
When I find myself losing compassion for my clients — feeling judgmental of them, less patient, inattentive… or when I generally notice that most thoughts running through my head are snarky comments about people I don’t know, based on how they look, or a behavior — I recognize a paucity in myself. Note that I say most of my thoughts. It’s human to be critical. However, there was a point (more than one) in my last job where I just felt miserable and mean. As I met with my supervisor, I explored this, how I wasn’t liking my life and generally felt dislike for everyone including myself. My supervisor asked what I felt was missing or what hurt, and I recognized then that I had not been taking care of my basic needs — e.g., not eating well, sleeping enough, exercising, taking time for quiet and rejuvenation. My negative judgment of the obese lady in the line at Walgreens — who has done nothing to harm me and is just simply existing — is usually indicative of the fact that I feel fat, unkempt, not fully me. And usually this is due to self-neglect. When I don’t attend to the basics, my spirit suffers and makes it hard to do good work.
So the point of that sentence is really that, when you feel crappy and pissed off at the world in general, look for what you might need that you have not been getting, whether through forgetfulness, self-punishment, or simply lack of opportunity (being overscheduled with too many tasks). Or it might be a distorted thinking pattern that one is unaware of. For instance, being unemployed is frightening, and there may be a tendency when one is getting no leads to think the worst, which scares us and snowballs into “I’ll never get another job…” or “They don’t see how good I am…” This type of thinking isn’t helpful toward one’s purpose, but we are all susceptible to it.
I suppose if I had just written it this way in the entry, it would have been clearer. I’m glad you pointed it out, and I hope I was able to provide more context for the meaning.
C.J. — I recently read Chodron’s The Wisdom of No Escape, and one aspect I was drawn to is that very perspective. I spent many years wasting energy with self-recrimination for not being “able to pull it together.” I am learning instead to simply stop, notice, and renew my effort.
I would really like to meet her someday and learn from her directly. Someone recently asked me who my “hero” was, or the one person I would most like to have a chance to meet, and she was who I picked. I’m glad you stopped by to share your experience.
Gotcha. Thanks.
Hi there, haven’t dropped by in a while. Have a new blog, retired trainwreck due to various issues, couldn’t leave a forwarding address.
Love this entry, it’s so true. The more I can get “outside myself” and explore this world as it is w/o judgement, the more relieved I am to know I’m not “the only one like this”. Comfort in our frailties, yes indeed. It’s exactly that. Thank you for these thoughts, they’re soothing to the soul.
Hi, Rae! It’s good to hear from you. I had wondered what was up with your blog. I’ll stop by at your new place. I’m glad to dropped me a note.