Yesterday I wrestled with ambivalence about what I’ve wrought by having a child. <\/p>\n
There are no vacations from this. Every day will be about getting this child fed, clothed, bathed, keeping her occupied. Her needs always first. No matter what, I feel a tension. I\u2019m aware that I\u2019m always on call, not knowing the next time Pixie will need something, so it feels as though I can\u2019t start anything or delve very deeply into anything, because I may have to drop it. I\u2019m struggling with accepting that. My mother said she remembers this feeling, but she was much younger and with no years of living according to her own plans and desires, so it may have been easier to embrace.<\/p>\n
The odd thing is, before she was born I wasn’t doing a whole lot; I was on my computer for hours, read books, etc. But I had complete freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and I only had to consider myself. This is no longer true. Even if someone comes to babysit, there’s a time when I’m expected to return, and I’m aware I need to return.<\/p>\n
This tension is taking a toll physically too. In the mornings my feet hit the floor running. Once Husband comes to bed after finishing his “shift,” I awaken, knowing that sometime in the next hour or so she’ll cry and it will be my turn to start the day. So I lose precious sleep. Then, once I’m up, the tension moves to my intestinal track, specifically the lower, which makes be wonder if I’m developing irritable bowel syndrome. <\/p>\n
What aggravates is that I do not let myself immerse in any activity of my choosing, because some part of me is always aware of her. Why start something if I will have to leave it? <\/p>\n
What I need to do is find a way to fully attend to whatever I’m doing in the moment, and to find a way to quickly engage and disengage from anything I’m doing for myself. Otherwise my life is spent as a lady-in-waiting. At this point I’m only able to let go if Husband is on duty. Last night he urged me to soak in the tub, which I did for an hour. I had to continually return my mind, my attention, to experience the scented water. Now, I’m not saying I should be able to take a long soak when I alone am in charge, but even reading<\/em> is something I’ve sacrificed. I don’t pick up a book to read anymore. I can’t settle into it. Even magazines don’t get read. I skim a lot on the web, but that gets boring after while. And even on the web I find myself reading stupid shit, gossip websites, rather than some of the good stuff that’s out there.<\/p>\n