I thought I was doing well. I thought that knowing about PPD meant it wouldn’t happen to me. I even felt a little smug about this. I thought the fact that my depression is in remission and managed with medication meant I was immune.<\/p>\n
But since Bean caught a cold (increased need, fussing, major screaming, increasingly colicky behavior) and my mother-in-law left, and since I’ve been taking the early shift (arising at 6 a.m. and caring for her during her most alert time of day), and because I find myself in physical pain to hear her crying, today I took a deep dive. Postpartum blues is a common problem that subsides about two weeks after giving birth. It manifests in frequent, prolonged bouts of crying for no apparent reason, sadness, and anxiety. Rest and extra household help are usually enough. However…<\/p>\n
When you are afraid to take your baby in your arms because you fear you cannot appease her, something’s wrong.<\/p>\n
When fears of your baby dying arise even though she’s healthy, something’s wrong.<\/p>\n
When you experience mostly anxiety and very little joy caring for your infant, something’s wrong.<\/p>\n
When you scream at your husband to fuck off because he’s trying to calm the screaming baby for you and said no to your request to let you try because he’s trying to give you a break, something’s wrong.<\/p>\n
When you tell your husband to go to hell and repeatedly say fuck you<\/em> before raging down the stairs and out of the house (for a walk because you can’t drive yet), something’s wrong.<\/p>\n When you want to lash out physically at someone (I didn’t do it and the urge was targeted at Husband, not the baby), something’s wrong.<\/p>\n When you take a nap and upon waking wish you didn’t have to wake up, something’s wrong.<\/p>\n When you cry and cry (whether it’s hysterical sobbing or rivers of tears quietly coursing down your face), something’s wrong.<\/p>\n When the following idea makes the tiniest bit of sense to you:<\/p>\n When a woman with severe postpartum depression becomes suicidal, she may consider killing her infant and young children, not from anger, but from a desire not to abandon them.<\/em><\/p>\n something most definitely is wrong.<\/p>\n I’m not suicidal or about to hurt anyone else at this point. But I am<\/em> frightened by what’s happening in me.<\/p>\n