![\"red](\"http:\/\/static.flickr.com\/103\/292174822_c982668e60.jpg\")
<\/a><\/div>\nAs for life, I’ve been keeping busy. Today I visited my friend who is fighting cancer, and it was lovely to see her. (Hi, E!) Then I went to the doctor’s office to acquire my medical records. That involved the usual run-here-go-there-it’s-not-my-problem encounter with bureaucracy, but I succeeded. Then I completed the 15-page new patient information for the fertility doctor. We have our consultation on Monday the 13th. Of course this next venture will mostly not<\/em> be covered by insurance — we’re switching to a plan that does provide some coverage but that’s not until January 1, and even that has a $6K annual deductible for non-network providers.<\/p>\nTime is of the essence, though. The clinic said typically they don’t do in vitro procedures on women 44 or older and\/or who have an FSH level of 11 or higher. I’m 43 until next June and the FSH is 10.8. My anxiety level zoomed up when I learned this. When I picked up my medical records I happened to read the report describing the outcome of the D&C when I miscarried. When I saw the measurements in black and white of the baby that wasn’t, I started to cry. Hmmm. Maybe I want a child more than I let myself know.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I wonder about that… I don’t desperately<\/em> want a child. Sometimes I wonder if the lack of acuteness in my desire is a negative — if the fact that I don’t yearn for this with all my being<\/em> will somehow block success. I don’t feel “worthy” to become a mother because I don’t want it so bad I can taste it. Yet I’m open to the possibility. I’d like to think that this, plus taking care of myself and having a life, is as good a stage as one can set. Then there are moments when I catch myself dreamily looking at a child or crying (on that rare occasion such as the one tonight) that give rise to a sneaking suspicion I do want to become a mother.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The evening is chilly at last. The days have been unusually warm, remaining sunny and cloudless for the most part. Yesterday I took a stroll in downtown Santa Clara with my camera. I love leaves. So here’s a change of pace from my Art Everyday stuff. I call this one “Bert and Ernie.” C’mon, I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1704","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-arts","category-nature"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1704"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1704\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11170,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1704\/revisions\/11170"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"bert](\"http:\/\/static.flickr.com\/112\/292174813_269846d7ed.jpg\")
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