{"id":1680,"date":"2006-10-21T23:26:33","date_gmt":"2006-10-22T06:26:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/2006\/10\/21\/homework\/"},"modified":"2026-01-21T16:42:27","modified_gmt":"2026-01-22T00:42:27","slug":"homework","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kathrynpetroharper.com\/mindfullife\/2006\/10\/21\/homework\/","title":{"rendered":"Homework"},"content":{"rendered":"

The doctor visit brought sobering news. It’s time to see a fertility specialist. I’m angry with the doctor. Last July when I miscarried his response was, “Oh, a lot of women miscarry. You’re lucky you got pregnant at your age. Go home and keep trying.” At my second miscarriage I was concerned and asked if there were tests to be done, but we talked only on the phone and he didn’t seem to think a second miscarriage was a big deal (lots of women have a couple and then successfully conceive). This recent meeting he was blunt, and he said that I was getting to the point of no return (in so many words), and that each year I’m decreasing my chances of having my own child by half. If we want to have a child, we must seek treatment yesterday<\/em>. When I mentioned his advice from last year, he explained that he felt bad about that, but that it didn’t feel right to tell a woman who just lost a pregnancy, “OH by the way, you’re old too.” But if he had<\/strong> addressed it, we would have acted much sooner. The thing is, the doctor didn’t even remember he ORDERED the FSH test, which I took October 3. He began to explain I could get the test done, and I pointed out it had been, and he looked and said, “Oh, so it was. There are the results.” I know he’s a busy man, but he could have freaking LOOKED at my record to prepare for our visit. My FSH is 10.6, and it should be around 7 or 8. FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is what tells the ovary to release another egg. The higher it is, the more this means that my body needs a “louder” prompt to get an egg out.<\/p>\n

I’ll be getting some counseling over the next few weeks to work through some of this. I’ll also receive EMDR<\/a> treatment so that the trauma of my pregnancy losses don’t weigh as heavily. The EMDR will also focus on releasing a deeply held negative belief about myself that I have struggled with for years and have worked through to some degree. Only now it’s arising again. I’m open to the concept of EMDR; there seems to be reasonable clinical proof of its efficacy. The bottom line is I want to be a mother more than I realized, and yet I am nearly paralyzed with fear of allowing myself to feel<\/em> my desire, because I am terrified that I will not survive the disappointment if my efforts to become a parent fail.<\/p>\n

We are reading books too:<\/p>\n