Naming

Sometimes it helps to name my inner state. So here goes.

I’m lonesome. Restless. Edgy. Feeling isolated, weighed down, slothful. Muffled. Not really engaged by anything. Or rather, not able to settle in and get absorbed by tasks. Avoidant of things I want to do, like writing or making art. Avoidant of things that need doing that I don’t really want to do, like cooking or cleaning. Wishing to be anywhere but my current location. Missing the structure of going somewhere and being with people working. The weird bit: I haven’t gone to a job in eight years. I’m feeling a little like I used to feel long ago: that my life feels too tight, constricted, doesn’t fit right.

I used to wonder if I’d ever feel comfortable in my life. I wondered if I might just be permanently broken. But still I resisted accepting my lot completely, always working toward my goals. And it paid off. I did eventually change myself and my life in ways that created a good fit.

For the first time in about 14 years, my life feels too tight. I’m noticing and naming what is true for me. That part of me gets to exist. I dislike how it feels, but it’s real.

And then I tell myself what this song says to give some balance; it’s a great mantra. Because after all, I get to be here. To be. So sit back and chill for six minutes; absorb the message and the music.

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