Hell In My Head

I was playing with Claire today, and doing Mommy chores; Claire came up to me and said, “I love you. You’re my buddy.” And then she leaned against me in a hug. Most days, that makes me light with joy and melts my heart. Today, two days prior to my surgery (which I’m told will have 90% chance of revealing no cancer), it melts my heart in a different way. I was awash in the feeling that I had NO business having a child at the age of 44. What the hell was I thinking? It’s the age at which many serious medical issues arise and health begins its steady decline. When she is 20 I’ll be 64, assuming I make it to that age. And I don’t assume.

Perhaps it was irresponsible and selfish of me. Stupid me.

(Okay, time to stop indulging in 100% unhelpful self-pity and gratuitous guilt, which is equally selfish. But still.)

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4 Comments on “Hell In My Head”

  1. sis Says:

    DO NOT have doubts about having Claire-bear! You dreamed and yearned for the chance to be a Mom. You were blessed to have this opportunity! No matter what happens, you have made a difference in this world because Claire Bear is a part of it! Who know what the future portends? Just keep doing what you do as that is what counts!

  2. Tiffany Says:

    Your sister is right! Please do not have doubts. We never know what the future will bring at ANY age. You deserve every beautiful moment with Claire regardless of the situations that may arise. I do hope that all goes well for you. You have certainly been in our thoughts and we know what an incredible mother you are.

  3. Songbird Says:

    It’s very hard to think clearly when we’re in a period of unknowing. I know that tendency to race ahead to the worst conclusion (in fact, I specialize in it!). Hold on to that dear little girl and let her love wash over you.

  4. lkd Says:

    What in the hell are you thinking?

    She is the single best thing, the most intelligent, responsible, selfless, wonderful, beautiful, miraculous thing you have done in your life, with your life.

    Serious medical issues can arise at any age.

    Good health only declines if you allow it to decline.

    Sister, I know you’re scared right now, but you were brave enough to bring a child into this world.

    That is everything. Everything.