Wearing Thin

The waiting is the hardest part. I’ve been doing all right, on the surface. And there’s an 80% chance there will be no malignancy. But I won’t know until Thursday at the earliest. So I go through each day, playing with Claire, cleaning, shopping, cooking, and functioning. But there’s an undertow of distraction. It manifests through a struggle to pay attention, in a desire to be another place than what I’m doing. When I’m playing with Claire it feels like a chore. When faced with cooking I don’t want to do it. I want to eat mindlessly, and entirely sugary foods. I want to take Ambien and sleep until the results are in.

What I will do, instead, is tolerate this moment. The only moment I have. I’ll keep showing up to each moment to the best of my ability, make an effort to stay engaged with what’s in front of me. I will struggle to remain, I won’t always succeed, and I’ll do the best I can.

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4 Comments on “Wearing Thin”

  1. Lorianne Says:

    Good luck with the waiting. It’s interesting to observe how the mind tries like mad to distract itself with anything other than “wait,” just like an eager, squirmy puppy.

  2. acm Says:

    Yeah, not-knowing can be a big presence in the room. Hope you shake it off to whatever degree possible, experience the tension as part of what you’re being present for, and get news you’re prepared to handle. Will be sending good energies your way!

  3. Jan Says:

    Hope the news is good. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. lkd Says:

    Even though we will probably never meet face to face, and although my presence here on your blog isn’t nearly as regular as it once was, I think of you as a friend, a genuinely good-hearted person, a rarity in my life. So, friend, my heart is holding you right now as you go through what you’re going through, as you face whatever you have to face. A person very dear to me was given a very dire diagnosis before Christmas, and when confronted with the reality that he may only have a year to live, he said to his doctor: But a year isn’t enough. I still have a lot of living to do. I still have so many things I need to get done. And his doctor, god bless her, without hesitating replied: Well, you better get started. Who knows if he has a year. Who knows how long any of us have. All I know is that his news brought him back into my life, and changed my perspective forever.

    Friend, I am holding you in my heart.