Oh My Goodness!

This afternoon I was out running errands. I went to Borders to look for a few Christmas gifts, and I felt suddenly very sad. Blank. Overwhelmed. Then I went to Mervyn’s to purchase some socks and underwear for the UU Undie Sunday (we donate new underclothes to homeless shelters), and in the midst of trying to choose the best deal I felt like crying.

I came home and made tea. I plan to go to social knitting this evening. Maybe I’m a tad lonely. Maybe the fact that I’m finished with AEM triggered a small letdown. It may also be due to the fact that for some reason, I have not caught the holiday spirit yet. I’m worried about some loved ones going through trying times. There is also some estrangement in other relationships that becomes more apparent during the time of year when we start thinking about giving presents. And I miss my father-in-law. This is the second Christmas season without him, and I’m confronted with the fact that he’s absolutely gone. And yet, this year Husband and I are going to Syracuse to spend Christmas with my mother and father and sister. We haven’t been there for Christmas since 2003. I’m so looking forward to being around my Mom and Dad and to enjoying the beautiful decorations adorning their home. I get to see and hug my mommy.

This is weird (for me), but today I felt an urge to pray. But to whom? I don’t believe in a deity. Yet I wanted A Being to talk to. In the bookstore I happened across Thomas Keating’s book on heart-centered prayer, which I own and have read. It’s called Intimacy with God. I also own (but haven’t read yet) a companion book of his called Open Mind, Open Heart. That title was at Borders as well, and seeing those books sent a wave of loneliness over me.

Now I’ve made myself teary. More tea, stat!

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10 Comments on “Oh My Goodness!”

  1. Marilyn Says:

    Congrats on completing art every single day. Truly, it’s great. And even bigger congrats on the good news about your eggs! This is such a hard time of year for so many (myself included)…and you’re going through such an emotional journey right now…sending you a big hug from a couple of hours away.

  2. gerry rosser Says:

    I find I have times of unaccountable sadness, too. Not that the world isn’t full of things to make me sad, but what is I find unaccountable is why the sad things don’t make me sad all the time. Anyway, be sure better days will follow. If there is some overarching supernatural presence out there, which I personally don’t find worth worrying about, one can imagine it (him, her) to be kindly and warm–not much use positing anything else.
    You know, trying to cheer someone up always sounds like such absolute pap when I read it over. I’ll send it anyway.

  3. tammy vitale Says:

    I don’t believe in a diety either; but I do believe in connections and ancestors and the transpersonal. What is prayer besides talking, anyways? even to yourself. Always to yourself. It’s like a little lamp on things that you need to pay attention to. that’s my take on it.

    Have enjoyed AEM and reading your blogs. I already miss it too.

  4. kat Says:

    many hugs darlin. love you!

  5. gerry rosser Says:

    Here’s wishing you the bluest skies
    And hoping something better comes tomorrow
    Hoping all the verses rhyme
    And the very best of choruses
    To follow all the doubt and sadness
    I know that better things are on their way

    Here’s hoping that the days ahead
    Won’t be as bitter as the ones behind you
    Be an optimist instead
    And somehow happiness will find you
    Forget what happened yesterday
    I know that better things are on their way

    Dar Williams—“Better Things”

  6. kevin Says:

    Hi there Kathryn –

    Your work is quite impressive! Bravo!

    – kevin

  7. donna Says:

    This is why I started studying Tao and connecting myself with nature and all of life. I don’t believe in an over-arching deity, but in the spirit of life itself. Connecting with that is far more powerful than believing there is some being trying to control your life in some way.

    All religions have elements of the spiritual, but the spirit goes far beyond any of them.

    And I don’t blame you for being depressed while shoppingt – most of the crap that is in the stores these days is pretty depressing, and not presented in spiritual ways at all, merely commercial ways. I found a coat at a big store yesterday, but couldn’t find a blouse I liked at all. Later in the day, I went to one of the small shops I frequent, and found a beautiful sweater. And ended up talking with the owner for an hour or so.

    So much of our transactions in life are impersonal these days it is hard to feel the love that is ttruly behind the season, and the real feelings of renewal and rebirth that were intended to go along with it. It isn’t about giving presents to each other – it is about BEING present in each others lives. If we can remember that, then we can celebrate with each other in the true spirit of the season.


  8. Kathryn Says:

    You are all sweet peeps! Thank you for the TLC.

  9. tallasiandude Says:

    Have you considered having a conversation with your higher-self?

    I can’t express exactly how I think about this right now, but this probably gets the jist of it.

    Warm thoughts. 🙂

  10. Fran aka Redondowriter Says:

    I’m sure that the expectations of the holidays hit you hard when you got into the commercial atmosphere. I feel the same way every time I go into the mall. You probably are a tad lonely, but you also have a lot of “stuff” going on. Glad you enjoy your knitting group and I hope having your friend for dinner helped. Enjoy HOBA.