If You Are/Were Catholic…

…you might appreciate this. It was forwarded by my Mom, so it’s on the Catholic Mothers Approved Humor List. Guaranteed not to offend! (I hope.)

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2Oly.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Recessional hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
Incense: Holy smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original Jaws story.
Justice: When kids have kids of their own.
Kyrie eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
*Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
*The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

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2 Comments on “If You Are/Were Catholic…”

  1. Mary Says:

    Welcome to California! And you arrived with your humor intact!

  2. nickie Says:

    Glad to see your sense of humor is alive and kicking midst the still present moving turmoil! :-0

    Need all those laughs to stir up the endorphins:)